Reparenting Myself
We can’t always blame the past.
No matter how far I run, the wound from my past that was buried inside of me will come to the surface everytime I try to have a connection with somebody. The hidden insecurity, the fear of abandonment, which then turn into the feeling of jealousy and the urge to control somebody will come to the surface everytime I feel comfortable in the arm of somebody.
I keep running and ignoring my wounds, I’ve wasted my life by blaming everybody who did me wrong in the past. I keep blaming, blaming, and blaming until one day I realized that there is something inside of me that needed to be healed.
I looked in the mirror and start accepting myself. But acceptance isn’t enough, I have to reparenting myself.
I start my journey of reparenting myself by listing of all the things that I didn’t get when I was a kid. And then I start giving all those things I didn’t get by myself:
- I try to stop telling myself hurtful and harsh words to myself, I start talking in a soft and kind way to myself. Everyday I tell myself that I am pretty, I am enough, I am smart, and I deserved to be loved.
- I start writing something kind to my younger self, telling her something that she didn’t get—like the praising I didn’t get when I become the best student, or win the poetry competition, or just by telling myself that it is okay for every small mistakes I have made.
- I try to not wanting someone who abandoned me—I need to remember that even though that thing feels familiar, abandonement was not a sign of love.
- I try to reparenting myself by listing everything that triggers my anxious attachment and learn to take the right action everytime I feel insecure, jealous, or controlling.
After over the years doing all of those things above, I feel much better. I stopped blaming everyone, I don’t have any hatred towards anyone, and I try to have better connection with somebody.
Reparenting myself is going to be a long journey, but I believe that this is the beginning of a new version of me—who have healed, better, and kinder. And I am excited for it.
